Beauty and The Beast
by Dark Moon Crystales
Summary: Fully randomized, cross-dressed and tortured version of the Disney Classic!
1. Jingle Jingle Beauty and the Beast

DMC studios PRESENTS:

FULLY RANDOMIZED, UNCUT, CROSS-DRESSED, TORTURED AND RAMPAGED

Beauty and the Beast

with all songs and some deleted scenes too cruel or sexy for children to read

converted from the original movie by Disney 

Sponsored by: Coffee and Coke and everything with caffeine in it. 

Disclaimer: Disc-lamer? What the hell is that!? Don't tell me you're trying to make me listen to Brittany Spears! 

Strongly recommended to watch the movie or listen to all the songs before reading this. 

---

Hi, everyone. Welcome to the SSBM version of Beauty and the Beast. I'm the author, DMC. Before we start, please pay attention to this security warning. If you have a seatbelt in your computer chair, please fasten it now. I'm too lazy to explain how it's done so you're on your own. If you feel that there's not enough oxygen, please feel free to open a window. Keep your hand on the mouse at all times, even when the 'fasten your seatbelts' sign is off. Observe your nearest emergency exit in case of diarrhoea or nausea. 

Thank you for choosing this story, I hope you enjoy.

---

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, 

  
A young Prince lived in a shining castle. (For sale)

  
Although he had everything his heart desired,

  
The Prince was spoiled, selfish, and liked to play videogames.

"I AM NOT!" Protested the Prince, holding a controller.

  
But then, one winter's night,

  
An old beggar woman came to the castle

  
And offered him a single beer

  
In return for letting her play Counter Strike.

  
Repulsed by her haggard appearance,

  
The Prince sneered at the gift, I mean, it wasn't even real beer, it was that weird German stuff with no alcohol in it,

  
And turned the old woman away, calling her ugly.

Then Jerry Sprringer spoke at the Prince: "Is it true that you called her ugly?"

"No! I deny everything!" Answered the Prince.

"Why would you deny everything?" Jerry Sprringer rubbed his forehead and pointed at him.

"Because Government denies knowledge and I _AM_ the Government!"

  
But she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, 

  
For Beauty is found within.

  
And when he dismissed her again,

  
The old woman's ugliness melted away

  
To reveal a beautiful Enchantress who looked a lot like Claudia Schiffers.

  
The Prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, 

  
For she had seen that there was no love for beer in his heart. 

"I promise, give me one more chance! I'll stop drinking!" Begged the prince, but his words were like air to the Enchantress.

  
And as punishment,

  
She transformed him into a hideous beast,

"NOOOOOOOO" Screamed the Prince.

"YEEEEEEEES" answered the Enchantress. "Don't interfere with the story."

  
And placed a powerful spell on the castle,

  
And all who lived there.

  


Ashamed of his monstrous form,

  


The beast concealed himself inside his castle,

  


With a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. (Talk about social life.)  


The beer she had offered,

  


Was truly an enchanted rose,  


Which would bloom for many years.

  


If he could learn to love another,

  


And earn her love in return (tough luck, man.)  


By the time the last petal fell,

  


Then the spell would be broken.   


If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast

  


For all time.  


As the years passed,

  


He fell into despair, and lost all hope,  


For who could ever learn to love...a Beast? A horrible, horrible beast! Who reads Marvel comics.

DUN DUN DUN!!

---

It was a beautiful morning in a quiet little village somewhere in France. The sun shone from the sky and the clouds were there… you know… just chillin'… and the sun, it was there like 'Wazzup, man?' and the grass, man! The grass, like, swayed in the wind and we were all like WOOOW. Man, that is so awesome. 

Belle got out of the house, batting his eyes. She was wearing a sweet blue dress and carried a basket. She was so beautiful, her steps were so light.

"Can't I even keep my own name? I already approved of these braids and this frickin' dress!" She said. 

"No, Roy", said the storyteller. "Because all this was written in the stars."

Belle mumbled something under her breath.

She got on the bridge and began singing:

"MUTTER!! MUTTER!! LINKS 2!! LINKS 2!! LINKS 2 3 4!!"

The storyteller sent a piano falling on her. "I said sing something sweet! Get the script!"

Belle kicked a stone on her way and mumbled something. "Little town… It's a quiet village,

Every day

Like the one before… PLEASE GIVE ME A BREAK!"

"SING", said the storyteller. 

Belle kicked a stone on her way and mumbled something again. Déjá vu, anyone? 

"Little town… 

Full of little people, 

waking up to say…"

"SHUT UP YOU LITTLE FREAK! It's five o'clock! Some of us want to sleep you know!?" A woman opened a window and shouted at her. 

"But, I…" Protested the lovely Belle. 

"No buts! Go home! Go home and grow up and for god's sakes my boy, don't wear women's clothes anymore!"

" She's supposed to sing, people. And you wake up and say Bonjour, Bonjour! Again!" The storyteller spoke.

"Little town… 

Full of little people, 

waking up to say…"

"Bonjour." A woman opened a window, looking pretty sour. 

"Bonjour!"

"Bonjour Bonjour Bonjour!"

Belle smiled at them her beautiful smile. "There goes the baker with his tray, 

like always

The same old illegal guns to sell

Every morning just the same

Since the morning that he came

No one needs guns in this town…" 

"Good Morning, Belle!" Marth greeted his friend. 

"'Morning, Monsieur." Belle sailed by. 

"Where are you off to?" 

"The bookshop. I just finished the most wonderful story about a beanstalk and an ogre and a—What the heck? I read books? This girl reads books? Woohoo, what a weirdo. How do you read these small things… They repeat themselves! Look! B-E-A-N-S-T-A--"

"Belle was quiet when the story went on." The storyteller said. 

Marth grinned. "That's nice. Peach! Hide the drugs! Hurry up!"

"Look there she goes that girl is strange, no question" sang the townsfolk. 

"Dazed and distracted, can't you tell?

Never part of any crowd

'Cause her head's up on some cloud

No denying she's a funny girl that Belle."

"This story isn't realistic." Protested the beautiful Belle. "And stop calling me beautiful Belle!"

"What part of it isn't realistic?" Asked the almighty storyteller.

"You don't just hang out with your friends and music starts and everyone starts doing these stunts and singing and--"

"Continue." Spoke the storyteller. 

"Bonjour!" Greeted the French Jigglypuff. She always did look a little Frenchish to me. Frenchish. 

…

French.

"Good day!" Zelda answered brightly. 

"Jiggle wants a cookie! I mean, How is your family?"

"Bonjour!" 

"Good day!"

"How is your wife?"

"I have a wife?"

"I need an automatic rifle!"

"That's too expensive!"

"There must be more than this provincial life without MacDonalds!" Sang Belle. 

Some old geek was waiting for him… her to enter the bookshop. "Ah, Roy."

"Good Morning. I've come to return the… the…" S/he lowered her voice to a whisper. "The book I borrowed."

"Finished already?"

"No, I have no idea how to read these things and this book sounds really boring you kn--"

"I haven't got anything new since yesterday!" The old geezer glared at him badly. Belle ignored him. 

"Thank god, I'm going to go get a beer."

"This book? But you've read it twice!" The old man hit her in the head with the book and gave it to her.

"What the--?" Roy… Belle held the book in her hands. "Oh, yeah, this is the one with all those boring things: far-off places, daring swordfights, magic spells, a prince in a disguise, everyday stuff."

"If you like it all that much, it's yours!"

"I don't want it!"

"I insist!"

"What's wrong with you, old geek?" She left, jumping like a happy little pony. 

The townsfolk noticed her coming out of the bookshop and started singing: "Look there goes that girl is so peculiar…"

"I heard that!" Yelled Belle. "And besides, if you're going to insult me, use proper English, you freaks!"

"I wonder if she's feelings well?" They sung.

"I can still hear you! I'll tell my father!" Threatened Belle.

"With a dreamy far-off look

And her nose stuck in a book.

What a puzzle to the rest of us is Belle!"

Roy stopped and sat down near a fountain. "Oh, isn't this amazing?

It's my favourite part, because you'll see…

Here's where she killed prince charming

But she won't get a sniper 'til chapter three."One of the sheep grabbed a page and tore a small piece of it. Roy thrusted the whole book to its mouth: "EAT IT! EAT IT!!"

Peach watched the silly boy in women's clothes sitting at the fountain. "Now, it's no wonder that 'Roi' means King. It's French, but I don't think it has anything to do with his name. Her looks have got no parallel!"

"But behind that fair façade, I know he's rather odd."

"Very different from the rest of us"

"She doesn't dress like the rest of us!"

"Yes, different from the rest of us is Belle!"

Ness and Captain Falcon had just shot a bird and we're now checkin' it out, had they got a nice groovy marinated chick or accidentally hit a cock. 

"Wow, You didn't miss a shot, Captain Gaston! You're the greatest hunter in the world!" Ness jumped around the bigger man like a dork, you know, those little geeks you see at school everyday circling those 'cool guys' and stuff. 

"I know." Said the dorky guy, whatever his name is.

"Gaston." Captain Falcon corrected the storyteller but didn't know that the storyteller doesn't need to be corrected, if she wants to be corrected, she beats it out of you.

"No chick alive could stand you!" Ness laughed nervously.

Gaston slapped him and held his hand as if it hurt. "Ow." 

"And no girl, for that matter." The boy continued. 

"Not true. I've got my sights set on that one."

"Hm! That weird guy who wears girl's clothes?" Ness frowned. 

"She's the one. The lucky girl I'm going to marry."

"But she's--" 

"The most beautiful girl in town!" Captain Gaston declared victoriously. 

"But she's--" 

"That makes her the best. And don't I deserve the best?" Captain Falcon continued.

"Well, sure, but you don't want a cross--"

"Right from the moment I meeeet her, saw heeeeeeeer

I saaaaid she's gorgeous and I feeeeell

here in town there's only sheeeeee

Who is as beaaaaautifuuuul as MEEEEEEEEEE…. EEEE….eeee… I need a little help, Le Feu."

Ness took a piano and pressed a key. 

"Memememeeeeeeeee. Perfect." Gaston continued. "So I'm making plans to woo and marry Beeeeeeeelle!"

"This isn't an opera", said the beautiful and groovy Belle as she passed Captain Gaston.

"Look there he goes

Isn't he dreamy?" The bimbettes looked after Roy. "Monsieur Gaston,

Oh he's so cute!

Be still my heart,

I'm hardly breathing,

He's such a tall, dark, strong and handsome brute!"

"Bonjour!" 

"Pardon", said Gaston, trying to get to his love of life.

"Good day!" 

"Mais oui!"

"You call this automatic!?" 

"That girl has lovely…. oranges!"

"Some cheese for mice!" 

"Ten yards."

"I'm fat!"

"Excuse me!" Captain was starting to lose his temper. 

"I'll get the knife!" 

"Please let me through! Or I'll cry!!" Gaston threatened, but no one listened.

"This bread--"

"Those fish--"

"--it's stale!" 

"--they're still alive!"

"Madame's mistaken."

"There must be more than this provincial life!" Sung Belle.

"Just watch, I'm going to make Belle my wiiiiiiiife!" Sang Gastooooon, but before that I'll sing an AAAAARIAAAAA!!!

"Look there she goes a girl who's strange but special." said one of the townsfolk.

"A most peculiar mademoiselle!" said another one of the townsfolk.

"It's a pity and a sin." Said Zorg from Planet 3426393462½

"She doesn't quite fit in." Declared Johnny Deppppppp. I know what his frickin' name is, I just don't know when to stop!

"'Cause she really is a funny girl."

"The next Conan O'Brien!" Sang Roy… erm… Belle. 

"A beauty but a funny girl."

"She really is a funny girl that Belle!"

Belle gazed behind him after studying those pretty letters for a while and everything seemed to be normal. But he knew… he _knew _they had sung. He could see it in their eyes… in their dark and gloomy eyes, those small eyes that yearned for… for… ice cream, probably. He went home, where his father was waiting for him, making a weird soup that smelled like chicken. Everything strange tastes like chicken. 

"Hi, Daddy!"

"Hello, my sweetie." Answered her father, Aquavitix.

"Hey, old geezer, do you think I'm weird, wearing these women's clothes?" Asked Belle.

"My daughter odd? Where did you get an idea like that?" Asked Aquavitix.

  
"I don't know. It's just that, well, people talk."

  
"They talk about me, too." The wizard got excited enough to sing. "No, we're not odd, its true  


No family ever saner

  
Except uncle Quixote who...well, maybe let that pass…

  
In all you say or do

  
You couldn't make it plainer

  
You are your mother's daughter; therefore you are class!!

  
"Papa, remember your blood pressure! So I should just accept

  


I'm simply not like them!" She stuck her tongue out to the people of town.

  


"They are the common herd

  


And you should take my word

  


You are unique: Boy dressing as a girl

  


No matter what you do

  


I'm on your side

  


And if my point of view

  


Is somewhat misty-eyed

  


There's nothing clearer in my life

  


Than what I wish and feel for you

  


And that's a lot...

  


I like clichés…"

  


"No matter what they say

  


You make me proud

  


I love the funny way

  


You stand out from the crowd! Why do I have to lie!?" Sang Belle.

  


"It's my intention my invention

  


Shows the world out there one day

  


Just what we've got..." Aquavitix danced tango. Do the tango… Do the tango…

  


"No matter what…" Interfered Roy with his high-pitched voice.

  


"Now some may say all fathers just exaggerate--" Continued Aquavitix, ignoring his freaky son. 

"And so do I."

  


"That every daughter's great? Pfffft!" 

  


"You are!" Aquavitix pointed at his son's flat chest.

"I know! And every daughter tends to say her father's tops!" Belle did the chicken dance. "And don't you comment me about my dress!"  


"She pulls out all the stops

  


To praise him" Her father got really out of hand at this point. The storyteller was wondering should she waste another piano on these freaks. 

  


"And quite rightly!" Belle lied. 

  


"No matter what the pain

  


We've come this far

  


I pray that you remain

  


Exactly as you are, weirdo!

  


This really is a case of father knowing best!" Aquavitix sang like James Brown.

  


"And daughter too!" Added Roy.

  


"You're always strange" 

  


"Don't ever change" She sang. "Oh come on, what a freaky song!"

  


"You've all I've got

  


No matter whaaaaaaat!!" They sung together. Awww, that is _so _sweet. 

"I'm going to a science fair tonight, darling, to show them this potion that makes you invincible! Want to come with me, Belle?"

"Nah, sounds boring. I bet you won't let me hurt anyone anyway." Roy/Belle answered. 

"You know how I feel about hurting people, Belle." Aquavitix laughed. 

"By the way, wasn't Aquavitix in--" Belle began.

"No", answered the almighty storyteller.

"Let me finish." Said Belle beautifully. "Wasn't Aquavitix in Batman? The Butler?"

"Sure, sweetie." Answered her father. 

Okay hang on a second, readers, I have to check out this interesting pop-up window… Okay, so… Let's continue.

The Butlerman left his daughter behind to the town where they didn't even have a MacDonalds. He travelled alone with his faithful horse, Yoshi, to the darkness of the woods and then it started to get darker. And the crickets started to chirp. And it got darker. And an owl hollered somewhere deep in the forest. And it got darker.

"Can someone sing Halloween's theme now?" Robelle asked.

The storyteller dismissed her idea with a piano from the sky.

He went deeper to the forest and came to an intersection. There were two signs pointing to two directions. (Isn't that amazing?) Aquavitix read the first sign 'Pet Sematary' and looked at the road, it was dark and gloomy, all the trees were like zombies reaching their hands to the ground. The other sign read: 'Happy fairytale-land' and the road was covered with flower petals and sun shone and the clouds had happy faces and he could almost hear the children laughing.

After a while of thinking he wanted to be the hero of this story and chose the road with the 'Pet Sematary' sign on it. Yoshi refused to go there and tried to go to Happy Fairytale-land, but Aquavitix's will was iron. He told Yoshi that he would never get more Yoshi cookies if he wouldn't take him to PET SEMATARY!!

DUUUN DUNDUNDUN DUUN DUUUUN!!!

Against his will and believing his stomach, Yoshi followed his master's orders and they went deeper to the forest. It was near midnight when they realised they were lost.

"Gods have abandoned us!!" screamed Aquavitix. But then he noticed that there were wolves in the forest. "Gods have wanted to have fun with us!"

The pack of wolves attacked them and Yoshi got scared (wuss), throwing Aquavitix from his back and running away as fast as he could. Aquavitix found himself all alone against the pack and began running. He ran and ran and ran and suddenly hit a castle gate. The gate opened and he rushed in, not caring that his fake moustache had fallen in front of the gate.

---

Meanwhile, Gaston had gotten ready for his wedding ceremony and walked to the wizard's house. 

"Hello, darling!"

Roy sighed. There was the man, whose ego was bigger than his body could hold and it had needed to give away his brains in order to fit it in. 

"Gaston, I…"

"Open, O, my darling! Open, O, Juliet!"

"The name's Roy. Why must a man be so obsessed, 

O, why can't I understand? 

O, bird in the sky, thou understandeth not the pain that my hearteth feeleth. 

O, why ameth I a star lonely in the night, why am I a daughter of a man? 

O, birdie, birdie singing on the branch, telleth me why do I want adventureth so much?" Spoketh Belle, her lover, 

O, this man was not, her freedom was what meant her a lot, 

O, freedom, thy bird already gone, why wouldn't he leave her alone?

She opened the door to Gaston, who came in and sat down lie he would've owned the house. 

"Belle…" He began sweetly. "Will you marry me?"

"No way!" Answeretheth Belle. "And stop that Shakespeare-stuff, storyteller!"

"Please, Belle! Think of what I can give you! You'll get a house, lots of children, you'll get to babysit them and me! That's all a woman needs!"

"Pssst, hey, Gaston." Belle lowered her voice to a whisper.

"Yes, my darling?"

"I'm a guy." 

"That's what they all say! Marry me!" Captain Gaston jumped on his feet and tried to hug Roy, but the boy did a Matrix-dodge and kicked him on the side. 

"Oooh, I like spicy women." Said Gaston and tried to kiss Belroy, who slapped him really hard a few times and tossed him out of the house. 

"I'm sour!" She shouted after him. 

"She loves you." Ness ran to Captain Falcon and helped him on his feet. 

Meanwhile, Belle started to feel like singing. "No, please, no!" She begged. But the story was meant to be and she had no choice. "Is he gone? 

Can you imagine?

He asked me to marry him!!

Me, the wife of that boorish, brainless…

'Madame Gaston!'

  


I can't even be it!

  


'Madame Gaston!'

  


I'm a guy for god's sake!

  


No sir! Not me!

  


I guarantee it!

  


I want much more than this provincial life" She ran to the field, and fell on the grass, throwing her hair. 

"L'oréal… Because I'm worth it!" Roy waggled her eyebrows. "I want adventure in the great wide somewhere

  
I want it more than I can tell

  
And for once it might be grand

  
To have someone understand

  
I want so much more than they've got planned!"

Just then her faithful horse ran back to her, Bonanza playing in the background. She gasped, looking after it like it had just eaten all her candies and now come back for him! 

DUN DUN DUN!!! Stay tuned, I have not finished yet! Fear the worst and laugh your bottoms (PG fic) off meanwhile! 

Thank you for reading, reviews would be great! 


	2. Be Our Guest

I'm back. Maybe I'm your back? Anyway, here's the second chapter of this story. After I've finished this I was planning to write Pocahontas… in wheelchair! What do you think? And to make this clearer, the lyrics are in italics too.Thank you for your reviews! As for answers, I'm sorry but in a comedy fic the reviews are a little hard to answer, hope you understand. However, a random reviewer, who probably isn't just the creation of my sick imagination, hoped for the total list of all characters in this fic and who do they act. So, here it is: 

**Roy** as Belle or vice versa, I always forget who was first.

**Bowser** as Beast or whatever his name is

**Captain Falcon** as Gaston

**Ness** as Captain Gaston's sidekick, Le Feu

**Young Link** as Chip, the chipped cup who has a very original name.

**Link's grandma** (who actually _is _in the SSBM, but because of the very physical nature of the game, she only makes coffee and cookies to go with it) as Mrs. Pots

**Link **as Lumiére for reasons I don't know.

**Aquavitix** as Belle's father, Maurice and the Butlerman from Batman, Pennywise and so on. It's not easy being a schizophrenic.

**Prince Marth** as the Prince Adam (Note! Not the very first Adam)

**Yoshi **as Philippe, the dumb horse who's got no lines

**Pikachu with his many identical** twins as the wolves of the forest

**Fox **as the leader of the wolves of the forest

**Falco** as dinner that tastes like chicken

**Captain Falcon's car** as the Bat mobile

**Peach** as the feather duster (she can be a bimbo)

**Zelda** as the wardrobe (no offence to her)

**Luigi** as Cogsworth

**Pichu** as the footstool

**Ganondorf **as the asylum manager and a schizo

**The rest of the smashers** as random villagers

---

Roy jumped on her feet and took Yoshi's head in her hands. "What's wrong?"

"YOSHI, YOSHI, YOSHI!!"

"Whose idea was to give this little freak the role of a horse?" Asked Belle.

"I did", answered the storyteller, holding a piano. "And you better accept it."

"What happened, Phillippe?" Asked Belle from her horse. "Is it Daddy? Don't tell me he's been smoking pot again."

"YOSHI!"

"Ah, I see." Belle turned around as if she was grieving. "It's always so sad when your father dies and you have to eat your horse! I bet you taste like chicken!"

But the storyteller disagreed with her and showed it with the gentle touch of a piano from the sky.

"YOSHI!" The horse turned around and Belle mounted it.

"O-hoy, Silver, AWAY!!" And so they galloped to the forest like wind. It didn't take long until they came to the intersection. Roy looked at the both signs.

"If Daddy was smart, he knew that the Happy Fairytale-land is just a substitute for Hell. So we must go to… Pet Sematary? Okay, who's been reading too much Stephen King?"

"Are you questioning me?" Asked the almighty storyteller.

"Never." Belle rolled her eyes as she told Yoshi to go deeper to the dark gloomy forest.

"_It's the eye of the tiger,_ WOO YEAH!!  
_I'm feeling so good, I'm not afraid!!  
Rising up to the challenge of Aquavitix!  
And the last known survivor  
Stalks his prey in the night  
And he's watching us all  
With the eye of the tiger_, OHHH YEAHHH!!" Belle rode deeper and deeper. "Man, that song fits me, don't you think?"

After a while of riding she came to a castle gate, her father's Bat Mobile and fake moustache in front of it. She could imagine the horror he had been through, hearing the wolves cry in the deepening autumn night. It would soon get dark and she would need to look for cover. They were too far from home, it would get dark before they'd get there and… would be eaten by wolves. And taste like chicken.

"PIKAPIIII!" They howled in the forest. Roy guided Yoshi to the castle yard and closed the gate after her. If her father's Bat Mobile was there, then he'd be here too.

She entered the castle, gloomy and old, looking around a little afraid. What Roy didn't notice were the chandelier and an old clock sitting on the table next to the entrance, both snoring quite loudly. Can you hear them? As Belle passed them, the other one woke up with a snort, a yawn and lots of smacking and scratching his stomach.

"Holy A-Christ!" Said Cogsworth, looking at Belle.

"Antichrist!? Where!?" Link woke up from his dream with the same routines as Luigi. "Is he hot!?"

"No, I said holy A-Christ!"

"Oh, you mean her… that's got to be B-class, just look at the cheap fabric of that dress." Link ascertained. "But… she might break the spell!" He said, jumping to the floor.

"Oh, wait-a second! I don't want any second class girl breaking the spell!"

"I don't think he _is _a girl, now that you mention it." Link remarked.

"Oh, come on!" Cogsworth threw his… hands? Things? Whatever in the air in frustration.

"But I think we should guide her to the Beast!"

"I don't a-think that's such a wise idea, considering that our master is a frickin' overweight turtle with a-fangs and she's a normal girl." Luigi remarked.

"Maybe she's blind." Lumiére said with a happy tone as he ran after Belle.

After a moment of running around in the castle and sightseeing this and that, tripping a few times, Belle found his way to a cold old tower, past Fluffy--

"He wasn't in this movie!"

"Yes he was. He was just so shy that they didn't show him." The storyteller shared her wisdom. Anyway, Belle walked past the sleeping (and blushing) Fluffy, who was… sleeping.

Finally she found his father, who was delirious and ill.

"Papa Is it you?! Do you have candy?" She ran to the bars and tried his father's cheek.

"I'm not your papa…" Said the delirious Aquavitix.

"Who are you then?" Asked Roy. "Daddy told me not to speak to strangers."

"I'm Pennywise. And you're Belle. Now we know each other and we can speak. Would you like to join me here? I've got balloons!"

"Do they float?"

"Yes, they all float. They flooooaaaat. AND YOU WILL FLOAT TOO!!" The storyteller' a bit confused at this point so she'll leave you on your own.

"Yay!!" Squealed Belle.

"Who are you?" Asked a voice from the darkness.

"Me no speak to strangers." Said Belle.

"Are you Belle?"

"_Yes, I'm the Real Slim Shady, all you other Slim Shadys are just imitating_--"

"That song's not in this movie." Remarked the storyteller, who couldn't leave the readers in trouble.

"What are you doing in my castle?" Asked the figure in the shadows.

"Just chillin', you know." Answered Roy. "You got beer?"

"What about me?" Asked Pennywise, formerly known as Aquavitix.

"Shut up, freak." Said Belle. "I'm talking with my future boyfriend."

"You're supposed to ask me to free him." Said the guy in the shadows.

"Oh… Will you?"

"I will not let your father go. He's my prisoner now!"

"Prisoner of Azkaban!!" Rejoiced Pennywise.

"Quiet, Pothead. Why not? If you have beer, you can take me instead of him!" Offered Roy.

"Hmm…" Thought the guy in the shadows.

"Oh, wait a second. At first I want to see you."

The guy came forward to the light and Belle saw his hideous form, the fur, the fangs. He was big, his breathing was laboured and his eyes gleamed with madness. Roy started laughing scornfully. "Bowser! They got you into this too?"

"Shut up." Murmured the Beast.

"Anyway, you got beer, I stay."

"Fine. Take the old geezer home." A guy popped from thin air and dragged Aquavitix away, who was totally crazy by then and after a while they rumoured that he had, somehow, invented a potion that gives you inhuman strength and was using it to help some barbarians. But those are just rumours, like the Second World War.

Roy fell on her knees and looked sad, her eyes were glassy, her lower lip trembled. The Beast looked at her with sympathy, knowing that he hadn't let her say goodbye to her beloved father.

"You didn't even let me steal his money!" Belle cried.

"Well, cry." Said Bowels. "It's Bowser." But he didn't know that the storyteller doesn't want to be corrected and dismissed his new name suggestion with a… yeah, you got it. A piano from the sky.

"I am!" Belle said defiantly. "In my heart."

"Oh, don't cry." Bowser comforted him.

"I already did." Belle continued defiantly.

"Whatever." Boswell shrugged. "Bowser." This time the storyteller had had enough of his correcting and instead of guiding him gently with a piano, she replaced him with Donkey Kong.

"DK want bananas." Said the new Beast. It's fresh, exciting!

Roy sweatdropped, wondering what she should do know. "How about escort me to my room now that I'll be staying here for a couple of weeks?"

"DK WANT BANANAS!"

Belle sighed.

"DK WANT--" The storyteller noticed her mistake which she surprisingly admits, and replaced Donkey Kong with Bowser again. The large lizard thing or whatever guided Roy to his room and told him:

"You may walk around in the castle as you please, just don't go to the west wing and don't use the last piece of toilet paper. Also, leave my servants alone. And remember to brush your teeth. And take a shower. And don't stay up too late and—"

"Whatever, man. Just give me a beer and I'll stay out of the way."

"About the beer, you may drink with me downstairs tonight." Bowser offered kindly.

"Nah, no thanks. When I'm drunk I tend to sleep with everyone and considering the way you look, I don't want to wake up next to you." Roy said simply. "I've got a weak heart."

"You either drink with me or you don't drink at all!"

"Or you could drink with me…" Lumiére offered, waggling his eyebrows.

"Sorry, I don't know how to do _it_ with chandeliers." Roy dismissed Link's idea. "And I won't drink with you, Bowser!"

"Then you _starve!_"

"I needed a little diet anyway. Now go away, I don't want to see you anymore if I remember the script right." She said, tapping the floor with his foot.

"FINE!" Bowser shouted, closing the door with a bang and Roy ran to the bed and threw himself on it, falling asleep immediately.

The turtle ran downstairs in his rage, breaking a few statues on his way.

Later on they were sitting in the living room, the Beast, Mrs. Pots and Cogsworth. Lumiére was having a sandwich somewhere in one of the castle's bedrooms. If you don't know what a sandwich is, it's a bread with sand in the middle. And then people wonder why it's so popular!

"I told her to drink with me, but she refused!" Bowser raged.

"You should be a-nicer to her. Or then just a-let her be." Cogsworth said.

Mrs. Pots woke up from her dream. "Coffee?"

"No, thanks, granny." They both said. Luigi's grandmother fell asleep again and continued knitting in her sleep.

"I was being nice!" Bowser raged still.

"Yeah, but you know, girls are a-difficult creatures. You have to tell them a-they're pretty, hold their hands and cry a little and say how a-much you've missed her while you were ignoring her." Luigi aka Cogsworth explained.

"Coffee?" Link's grandma woke up and asked. Bowser sighed. "No, thanks." And she continued to sleep.

"But she won't let me close!"

"That's a girl all a-right." Luigi said.

The Beast ran into his room and looked at the enchanted rose with sad eyes. There was so much pain in his eyes, it can't even be described. He looked so sad, he didn't even stand straight. Then he uttered: "I wish this rose was the German non-alcoholic beer right now."

---

Meanwhile Roy was snoring loudly on her bed. He woke up as the wardrobe yawned. "Well, hello, girl!" Zelda greeted.

"Huh? You can talk?" Belle asked. Duh, dumb girl.

"Sure, honey. But aren't you hungry?"

"Nope. Or maybe a little." He said. "But aren't you a wardrobe?"

"Yeah…" The wardrobe answered.

"Then give me a pair of pants before I kill myself with this dress!" Robelle screamed. Aww.

"No way! You'd see my hangers!" Zelda refused, glaring at him with fury in her eyes. "A little decency!"

Roy was a bit confused by that. After a while he gave up and left to travel around in the castle for food and maybe a drink too. She came to the kitchen, following the smell of rotten fish. There was Lumiére, who seated her down and waggled his eyebrows.

"_Ma chere Mademoiselle, it is with deepest pride  
and greatest pleasure that we welcome you tonight and maybe later we can get together to drink maybe a little?  
And now we invite you to relax, let us pull up a  
chair as the dining room proudly presents –_" Link sang, poorly but at least he sang.

"I wear a DRESS!" Roy protested to the storyteller.

"_your low-fat dinner that tastes like chicken_!"

"Noooooo!!" Falco screamed alone in the darkness.

"_Be our guest! Be our guest_!" Sang the other dishes, Cogsworth was quiet though, he didn't like to have fun. Some people are like that, but usually they're ignored. So we'll ignore Cogsworth."_Put our service to the test, we won't pass it_!" Link gave her a Pepsodent-smile along with the keys to his quarters. "_Tie your napkin 'round your neck, cherie  
And we'll provide the rest  
Position 69  
Hot hours d'oeuvres  
Why, we only live to serve!  
Try the grey stuff_ "  
"_It's delirious_" Said Young Link.

"Delicious, sweetheart." Corrected Link's grandma.

"_Don't believe me? Ask the dishes!_" Lumiére guided her.

"Who would want to eat talking dishes?" Belle asked.

"_They can sing, they can dance!_"

"And I thought clamps were horrible." Roy made a disgusted face.

"_After all, Miss, this is __France_" Link waggled his eyebrows.

"Okay, I think this does it. France is out of my list of places to go before I die." Belroy ascertained, looking at the show in front of her with horror.

Link smiled. "_And a dinner here is never second best  
Go on, unfold your menu and I take off my clothes  
Take a glance and then you'll  
Be my_--"

"G_uest_!" Cogsworth cut him off.

"_Oui, my_--" Link glared at him.

"_Guest_!!" Luigi did it again.

"_Be my_--"

"_GUEST_!! Don't give the girl traumas!"  
"_Beef ragout  
Cheese souffle  
Pie and pudding "en flambe"_" All the dishes sang.

"_We'll prepare and serve with flair  
A_" Link coughed. "_Cabaret_!"  
"_You're alone  
And you're scared  
But the bed's all prepared  
No one's gloomy or complaining  
While Tupperware's entertaining  
We tell jokes! I do tricks  
With my fellow candlesticks_"

Roy was starting to like the idea. She started to clap her hands together with all the moving objects.

"_And it's all in perfect sense  
That you can bet  
Come on and lift your glass  
You've won your own free pass  
To be our guest!_" The dishes continued singing.  
"_If you're stressed  
It's fine chandeliers I suggest_" Link waggled his eyebrows again.

A spotlight came upon Cogsworth, who was still looking sad and miserablés. Lumiére appeared there too and began singing: "_Life is so unnerving  
For a servant who's not serving  
He's not whole without a soul to wait upon  
Ah, those good old days when we were useful...  
Suddenly those good old days are gone  
Ten years we've been rusting_" Lumiére hugged Cogsworth, who started crying.  
"_Needing so much more than dusting  
Needing exercise, a chance to use our skills!  
Most days we just lay around the castle  
Flabby, fat and lazy  
You walked in and my bed is ready_!" Link pushed Cogsworth off the table.

"_It's a guest! It's a guest_!" Link's grandma woke up, she had been knitting in her sleep. "_Sakes alive, well I'll be blessed!  
Wine's been poured and thank the Lord  
I've had the napkins freshly pressed  
With dessert, she'll want tea  
And my dear that's fine with me  
While Lumiére does his seducing  
which is wrong I'm deducing, it's a guy, it's a guy!  
I'll get warm, piping hot  
Heaven's sakes! Is that a spot?  
Clean it up! We want the company impressed_!  
_We've got a lot to do!_  
_Is it one lump or two?  
For you, our guest!_" She sang, but fell asleep right after it.

"_She's our guest_!" The other dishes continued.

"_She's a guy_!" Mrs. Pots woke up again only to declare that and fell asleep right after it.

"_She's our guest_!" No one cared about her, she was just an old hag, delirious and besides, she _knitted. _All the dishes got very excited, doing splits, spread eagles, back flips, flip flops, one right after the other. "_Be our guest! Be our guest!  
Our command is your request  
It's been years since we've had anybody here  
And we're obsessed  
With your pleasure, with your ease  
Yes, indeed, we aim to please  
While the candlelight's still glowing  
Let us help you, We'll keep going  
Yes, going, one by one!  
'Til you shout, "Enough! I'm done!"  
Then we'll sing you off to sleep.  
Tonight you'll get more than you can dream!  
But for now, let's eat up."_  
Lumiére came to her, lying on the table. "_Be our guest!  
Be our guest!  
Be our guest_!"  
"_Please, be our guest_!" He sang alone, and she grabbed him in a kiss. And that lead to another sandwich. If you still don't know what a sandwich is, it's a witch filled with sand. And off we go for the advertisements!

---

Okay, not as funny as the previous chapter, but I did my best. And by the way, I don't mean to offend anyone. Just trying to write a parody here. I'd love your reviews!


	3. My what a freak, that Gaston!

Wow! I got so many great praises about this story I'm amazed! You're all wonderful because you leave reviews commenting the storyline! Thank you! I just hate those 'LOL, continue' reviews. And I got a Kit Kat! Woohoo!

---

During Lumiére's dinner (everyone's invited for a party!) Gaston-dude was all 'wazzup' and 'yo,yo' with his friends at the local tavern. As much as I would like to skip this, I won't it because it would be violating the original storyline. Not that it would matter to anyone though.

So, here we are, in a stinking old barn where a band of 90-year-olds play hardcore rock and everyone has clothes ripped off Saturday Night Fever, not even talking about the dance moves. 70's strike back, dude. Peace.

"_Who does Belle think she is?_ Like, some drag queen or what?  
_That girl has tangled with the wrong man_!" Gaston banged the table with his fist. "Ow."

"I don't think she's a girl." Ness remarked, looking outside through the window.

"_No one says "no" to me!  
Dismissed! Rejected!_ Out of cash!  
_Addicted to chocolate! Why, it's more than I can bear._" Said Gaston, all sad and stuff.

"_Where's a bear_?" Le Feu looked excitedly through the window.

"Eating that dude outside. But not--"

"Wow, it just ripped off his head." Le Feu said, amazed.Gaston glared at him.

"Yeah, whatever floats your boat, dude. But as I was saying because I'm so cool, I'm not fee--"

"Wow! He's still running around!" Ness said excitedly.

"Look, dude, I don't care. I'm much cooler than some man-eating bear. Pfft. So, I'm not feelin--" Captain Gaston tried once again.

"WOW! They're moonwalking! No! That's Moderrn Talking they're with now!"

"Hey, look, you jerkwad. I'm cooler. Me. I am. Yes. Listen. Cool. Man. Dude. Yo." Gaston forced Ness to look at him, narrowing his eyes. "So… _I'm rejected! An attention-bi0tch! Nothing helps. I'm not feeling so good_."

"_Who, you? Never! Gaston, you've got to visit the toilet_." Ness said sympathetically. "You know, terrorists didn't use bombs when they attacked, instead they just… oh, well. _Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Gaston  
Looking so down in the dumps  
Every guy here's had diarrhoea, Gaston  
Don't believe me, ask the dishes_!" He smiled, jumping and dancing around. Being a 70's disco, bright lights joined his dance with a few girls dancing in spotty dresses and a picture of Elvis. 

"_There's no man in town as … Garfunkel... as you!  
You're everyone's … Beatles… guy  
Everyone's not awed and inspired by you  
And it's not very hard to see why…  
No one's boasty as Gaston  
No one's false as Gaston  
No one's as incredibly thick as Gaston  
For there's no man in town half as boasty  
Perfect, a pure malformation!_" Ness sang happily, dancing on the table.

"I know I should've bought Hugo Boss instead of Axe Dimension!" Captain Gaston clenched his fist.

"_You can ask any Tom, Dick or Stanley_ ( Storyteller wishes to remind everyone not to ask the presidents though.)  
_And they'll tell you whose team they don't prefer to be on!_ I mean, Hugo Boss is so totally _hot_!"

Everyone else joined their song in the bar and the 90-year-old heavy rockers were thrown outside where they were infected with the Disco-virus! And so they all danced real rock with the bear, who wished to stay nameless in this fic. "

_No one's been like Gaston  
Having a desperation like Gaston._" Sang Dee Gener--never mind.

"Oh, there you are!" Gaston greeted her.

"Have we met?" She asked, raising her eyebrows.

"No, but you're there, hon." Captain winked at her, waggling his eyebrows.

She made a disgusted noise. "Piss off, freak."

"Yeah, now that you mention it, I need to take a leak." Gaston left to the little boys' room and came back after a while with an astonishing belch. He looked very amused by his little burp. Let's all laugh together now. Ha-ha. Very funny. Now, let's continue.

"_No one's got a good old buttchin like Gaston_!" Le Fou sang alone. Yeah, he _sang. _

"Oh my god, leave me alone already, storyteller!" Roy protested.

"_As a specimen, yes, I'm, like, totally awesome!"_

"_My what a freak, that Gaston!  
Give five "Piss offs!"  
Give twelve "get losts!""_ Everyone in the bar sang. God, this is even worse than what I thought. I mean, no one could ever believe that people sing together. Anyway, you're on your own for a while, because I'm gonna get jiggy with da Bear!

"_Gaston has a disease  
And no one wants to use the toilet after him_!"

_"No one_", everyone coughed. "…_like Gaston_!"

"_You know… like Gaston_!" They were maybe a little too drunk to sing. Or too sober. I don't know which is worse.

"_I forgot my line_!" Ness said cleverly.

"_For_ _there's no one as burly and brawny as Schwarzeneggger, but we have to settle for Gaston_!" The bimbettes sang.

"_As you see I've got candy to share to little girls_!" Gaston showed some candy from his pocket.

Ness followed this dorky act with amazement. "_Not a bit of him's decent or smart_!"

"_That's right! I mean… umm_…" Falcon quite forgot what was happening. Then he decided to do what he had always wanted to do, ever since he was a kid; strip. That's what it's like living in a Puritan family.

"_And every last inch of me's covered with hair_!"

"EEEWWW! Put those back on!" Ness gave him his boxers back. "Now I know why the dinosaurs became extinct!" Everyone agreed with him by nodding a little.

"_No one dances like Gaston,  
No one's embarrassing like Gaston_!"  
"_Nobody moonwalks like Gaston_!" Ness tried to moonwalk, but couldn't.

"_I'm especially good at exagge-something_!" Gaston sang and spat on the air above him, and the spit fell on his face again.

"_Ten points for Gaston_… and a foot!" They all were a little surprised by the foot that had just been thrown in.A random zombie walked in.

"Sorry, Bob was supposed to fetch it but you know youngsters these days."

Gaston blinked. He almost questioned the storyteller, who was holding a piano just to be sure.

"…_When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs  
Every morning to help me get large  
And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs  
So I'm roughly the size of a barge_!" He sang, showing off like those cool guys always do.

"_My what a freak, that Gaston!  
No one eats like Gaston  
Only Brits cook like Gaston_!" The chorus sang. Gee, isn't this ever going to end?

"_But they don't go tromping around wearing boots like Gaston_!" Ness continued. Sorry Brits, don't take me literally.

"_I use my name in all of my decorating_!" Said Gaston proudly. My, my, what an imagination.

"_My what a freak,  
Gaston_!" They all ended the song in a very high-pitched C, breaking all the glasses and da Bear came in and showed them how people are supposed to dance.

After a while of watching the storyteller sighed and threw da Bear away. Then Gaston walked to the Idols judges, who all looked a little scared. Finally one of them coughed and began:

"To be nice, you sing like a moose during mating season and you look like a testosterone pumped athlete. If we were looking for the Caveman Idol, you'd be the winner."

"I think I just died." Said the same zombie that had walked in just a while ago. "No, wait. I can't die, because I'm already dead… So… Hmm… I should, like, die again. Like, properly this time… You got tasty legs."

Gaston posed, showing his legs. "Mm-hm, I know."

Then suddenly Aquavitix ran into the disco, wearing only his boxers. "Everybody, move your feet until denied it! Woo-hoo-hoo!"

The Idols judges beat him up with a bat because they didn't like his performance.

"'s a monster! Yar!" Aquavitix said, waving his hands up and down on the floor after the beating.Captain Gaston stopped posing and turned to look at him.

"Where? What's it like?"

"Is it tasty?" Asked the zombie.

"'s a monster, yar, yar! 's got teeth like a boar, and 's eyes were strong and 's leg's were like the devil's eyes, I tell ye! Yar!" Aquavitix continued.

"You've gone all loony, man." Said Ness. "Just like the storyteller." He said one sentence too much and the storyteller sent a piano down on him.

"Was it horrible?" Captain Gaston asked, grimacing. "Red hair, nails sharp like knives?"

"Oh, yes! Yar, and a blue dress!" Aquavitix nodded. "Oh, wait, that's my daughter or son… I'm not really sure which one I've got."

"Throw the loony out!" Falcon commanded and danced away, moonwalking at times. Ness threw Aquavitix out to the snow with some of his friends and then returned back inside. Aquavitix stood up and started shouting to the snow storm:

"Has anyone got balloons? Anyone! Please!"

---

Meanwhile, Belle or Roy had just finished eating and stuff with Lumiére, who was calmly smoking a cigarette in the bed, looking satisfied.

"You know, I'd like to see around the castle." Said Robelle.

"Why? There's nothing there, only the West Wing where girls like you mustn't go." Link said calmly, more focused on the smoke of his cigarette than on Roy.

"_I'm_ a guy so why mustn't I go there?" S/he asked innocently with a smile.

"There's something horrible up there, something that's not meant for your eyes, girl."

"I'm NOT a girl!" Roy protested. "Didn't you notice it?"

"Sure, hon. Now leave me alone, I'm going to need my sleep to be in shape in the evening." The chandelier fell asleep immediately. Belle frowned, but put the blanket on him and gave him a kiss on the cheek because he was feeling motherly.

"I am NOT feeling motherly!" protested Roy, almost asking for a piano. She or her, whatever left the room and bumped into Cogsworth.

"Holy A-christ!" Said Luigi.

"DOOMSDAY!!" Screamed Roy and started running towards the West Wing. Cogsworth ran in front of her just at the last minute, blocking her way to the tower.

"What's up there?" He asked curiously.

"I don't know, but I'd like to find out." Answered Belle.

"Hey, I'll take you around the a-castle. Don't a-go up there." Luigi said, starting to walk away. "Back in my day, when I was still, you know, a man, I used to live here."

"Well, duh." Belle said, sneaking towards the West Wing.

"Here I used to sit and watch at the clocks when I was younger. I admit my life was rather boring, but you see, the clocks are very intriguing. They go tick-tack-tick-tack..."

Belle watched him go before she ran up the stairs towards the West Wing. She came to an empty corridor full of doors. There was one with a sign '217.' Roy looked at it, raising her eyebrows.

"Look, storyteller. It's great that you have these Stephen King references, but the frickin' Pet Sematary was enough!"

The storyteller reminded him about her superiority with a cat from the sky. HA! Gotcha! You were waiting for a piano! …You weren't? Oh, come on. Now? Oh, not yet. Now? Oh, okay, fine.

After Roy had survived the attack of the mighty cat, she opened one of the doors to see the Vice President John Hoynes. She frowned, remembering that it was Collin Powell, but then again, this story didn't make sense anyway, so it didn't matter.

"Get out of my West Wing!" Shouted John Hoynes.

Belle closed the door quickly and passed the room 217, hissing something about Stephen King. She saw the biggest doors at the end of the corridor and ran to them. After a few explosives she got it open and walked to the fridge to take a cold beer.

"In your face, Boswell." She said.

"It's BOWSER!!" Bowser jumped from the corner. "Don't touch my enchanted beer! It's the finest brand!"

"Hey, you're supposed to come when I touch that rose-thing." Belle reminded him, pointing at the rose under the glass. "And this isn't enchanted. It's just non-alcoholic."

"Oh." Bowser walked back to the shadows. "Just tell me when I come in, I lost my script."

"Yeah, sure." Roy answered, finishing the beer with a burp. She went to his closet and found some socks, she looked at them with a slightly surprised look before she light up a bonfire from the Beast's curtains laying everywhere and started roasting them.

"Hey, seriously, is that in the script?" Bowser asked from the shadows.

"No, but I'm hungry." Roy answered, folding the socks and taking a bite. "I was eating in the kitchen, but they didn't let me eat anything, they just kept singing until I was sick."

"Oh." Bowser became quiet and watched Belle go around in his room. He narrowed his eyes as Roy finished eating his socks and got up to go towards the enchanted rose. She lifted the cover gently away and looked at the flower. Then she took it and sniffed it.

"Oh, Tend-scented." She said, smelling it again. Roy waited for a while, looking around dumbly. Then she waited another moment, looking around for pants.

"Oh, for god's sakes, you're supposed to come screaming at me!"

"GRRRøøøøøøøøÆÆÆÆÆÆRRRR!!" Bowser jumped from the shadows.

"What's with the ø and the Æ?" Asked Robelle, a little stunned.

"Just a new accent. Adds to my character." Bowser answered, looking at his nails.

"Oh, okay." Belle said. There was an awkward moment of silence between them for a while. Roy cut his nails. Bowser looked at the birds outside. Roy cut his toenails. Bowser had his hair cut. Roy ate his pants. Finally Bowser cleared his throat and said:

"You should, like, start running or something."

"I'll pick something." Roy answered, painting his nails. Before he could protest about paintign his nails, the storyteller dropped a pre-emptive piano on him.

"No, really. Run." Bowser lifted the piano off him.

"Are you trying to push me around?" Roy asked, offended. "Look, I wear this stupid dress, but it's not a reason to start yelling at me! I'm a sensitive soul!"

Bowser roamed again.

"I'm going to go now", said Belle, moving towards the door. "But before I go, I've got four words for you: Get some the rapy."

"I hate you!" Bowser started crying. "I hate you so much!"

"AAAHH! You hurt my feelings!" Roy screamed and ran away. He decided to run away from the castle because he was hungry and he really wanted a BigMac, but first he needed to take some stuff with him. He ran into his room, where Lumiére was on the bed, looking at him and waggling those eyebrows of his. Roy wondered were they destined to waggle forever or was it a curse or something as he ran to Zelda and opened her.

"A rape! A rape!" Screamed the hangar. "She's touching my hangers!"

"Oo! I want to join!" Lumiére jumped up from the bed, but stopped as he saw Belle taking her stuff to leave.

"What are you doing?" Link asked. The eyebrows _weren't_ waggling. (Applause, please)

"I'm leaving and taking only my underwear, the Beast's gold and a sandwich."

"What's it for?"

"To eat."

"I asked about the underwear." Lumiére said.

"I know. They're my favourite flavour." Belle answered, a little annoyed before she ran out of the room, leaving them both there, wide-eyed.

"Did you see her raping me?" Zelda asked from Lumiére. "Touching my hangers and all. This is what happens when youngsters watch too much R-rated movies."

"I'll finish what she started." Link answered with a devilish grin.

---

Belle took her loyal horse, Yoshi, and galloped away, screaming all the way. After she had ridden a while, she lost her voice and came to a clearing full of crosses. They were in a circle, but no one had taken good care of them, moss was growing everywhere and hay too. (Not the bad kind of hay.) There were some stones there too.

"My god, what are you doing here?" She asked from one of the rocks.

"Throw me a cigarette, man", the stone said.

Belle kicked the stone. "No, piss off! You're violating my scene!"

Without stopping to wonder what the storyteller was doing now, she rode on, pass the 'Pet Sematary' sign. She rode on for a while, before it started to annoy her and she had to return.

"God, I hate typos." She said as he corrected it. Then she continued to ride on until she heard the terrible wolves howling in the forest.

"PIKAPIII!!" They howled. Yoshi panicked and dropped her from his back. She fell on the snowy ground and rolled around for a while and did a few snow angels.

"Great, now I'm all wet!" Roy said like a brat.

"PIKAPIIII!" The wolves came closer. Roy started screaming again.

"Quiet, you." Fox hit the wolves as they come closer. He came to the clearing, snarling angrily until he noticed who Belle was. "Oh, Roy!" He was glad to meet him. "How've you been?"

"Fine, fine." Roy answered, getting up from the snow. "What's up?"

"Well, you know, Peach drowned yesterday an--"

"Badly?" Belle asked.

"Well, kind of. Dead. But you know, then Mario went all whacko and--"

The storyteller reminded them of the story with two pianos from the sky. After they had recovered from them, Fox started howling.

"What a waste of talent." He commented. "AROOOO!!"

The other wolves joined him with their chilling: "PIKAPIII!!"

And I think there was one "PICHUUUU!" too.

Roy screamed, but then happened something he had never been expecting. The advertisements strike back! HOO!

---

Trust your insticts...

...obey your thirst...

MENTOS!

---

There is one chapter again. I'm thinking about creating a humor C2 community, does anyone want to become a staff member or otherwise likes the idea? And also, if anyone of you would like to join my interactive story, please visit my webpage, the address can be found on my profile.

Your reviews would be great on my BigMac!


	4. Crossdresser And TURTLES Wannabe

Yup, a new chapter of this insanity.

Thanks so much for your reviews! You're all great and I love reading your reviews! And uh, since it's still a bit unclear, I'll explain once more: The smashers _ACT_ the characters of Beauty and the Beast. Like a play.

Have fun reading!

---

A group of researchers once wandered into the dark woods of France with a videocam…

…they had been looking for a beast they had heard about, so horrible that no man had survived alive from looking it in the eyes…

…many tried to warn them, but they were young and foolish…

…As suspected, they went missing…

…One day another group of researchers doing the same research happened to stumble over their video-taped material…

…what they saw on the tape…

…was not pretty.

"PUT DOWN THAT CAMERA!!" Roy screamed. "And STOP ZOOMING ON MY BOOBS, they're NOT real!!"

---

**BEAUTY AND THE BEAST**

This is the part where YOU run for your lives!

---

Just when Roy was about to lose hope with Fox and the Pikachus, MacGyver's theme started playing and Bowser fell on top of Roy from the sky.

The storyteller watched everything with a pleased expression.

Bowser roared at the Pikachus and Fox, who were putting earplugs on. Then they all prounced away, leaving Robelle and Bowser alone in the cold. Some people just have that some repulsiveness in them by nature. When Roy was just about to throw herself in Bowser's arms--

"Oh, no. I'm not." Belle-Roy said sourly.

--the storyteller dropped a nice piano on her. Afterwards she was more than glad to throw herself in Bowser's arms. The two travelled back to the castle, already afraid of the next song.

Robelle took Bowser to the living room of the castle, forcing him to sit down. Then she started cleaning the wound like the little wannabe-nurse he was. The storyteller ignored Roy's deadly stare.

"It hurts!" Bowser pulled his arm away when Roy touched it.

"Well, duh." Belle answered.

"That's not in the script." Bowser whispered.

"I'll eat the script and then you if you remind me about--" Roy didn't get to finish his sentence when the storyteller reminded him of her presence with a piano from the sky. "How did it go? It wouldn't hurt so much if you stayed still." He said as he recovered.

"But it hurts!"

Roy put salt to the wound. "Tough luck, man." He said as he gently rubbed it in.

The storyteller noticed that if she wasn't going to do something the two 'lovers' would eventually kill each other, no matter how many enchanted beer were on the line. I mean rose. No beer here. Except this one. But it's not really beer. Or it is. But you don't know that! DON'T TRY TO BE SMART WITH ME! I'm better at knowing is this beer here or not! I mean I know better that this beer is not here. At all.

…I want to call my lawyer.

…Or maybe not.

…On with the story.

So instead of arguing is the beer here or not (watch episode 207 of Law & Order to find out) the storyteller threw Belle and Bowser out of the castle, turned the summer to winter and gave them some fancy winter clothing.

"_There's something gross  
And almost weird_…" Roy sang. Or then it was the storyteller. She likes the song so you can't really tell.

"_But he was mean and scaly and still is  
I think he's not a deer  
Or I'm not sure  
I wonder why I didn't see the fur before_", Belle continued, dodging a bob-omb Bowser threw at him. She threw a nucular bomb… or is it nuclear? Anyway, a big bomb at him but missed.

"_She glanced this way  
I thought I saw  
A bit of skin under her dress I'd like to touch with my paw.  
No it can't be  
I'll just ignore  
But then she's never shown me skin before_", Bowser sang as he took a few birds from the tree and ate them with Roy since they thought it was boring to feed them.

"_New and a bit alarming  
Who'd have ever thought that this could be?  
True that the kitchen's smoking,  
But there's something in there that I just don't want to save_", Roy sang, thinking about Lumiére and his waggling eyebrows that had started to haunt her dreams recently.

She didn't know that Lumiére and the others were watching the two of them with binoculars from the study, acting like wannabe-Snakes from Metal Gear Solid. "_Well, who'd have thought_?"

"_Well, bless my soul_" Link's grandma mumbled in her sleep.

"_Well, who'd a-have known_?" Luigi said.

Link sighed. "_And who'd have guessed they'd come together on their own_?"

"_Belle's so peculiar. Wait and see_", Link's grandma mumbled.

"_We'll wait and see_", Lumiére and Cogsworth sang in unison. Bleh.

Then all three of them! "_A few days more_…"

"_I'm sure that girl's a boy now more than ever before_." Link said and Cogsworth nodded.

"_You a-know, perhaps there's something a-there that wasn't there before_…" Luigi continued alone.

"_There may be something there that wasn't there before_…" Mrs. Potts said through her sleep.

"I think it's the new pantyhose I gave him. It hides cellulite." Lumiére said thoughtfully as they started to walk away. Luigi glanced at him, but decided not to say anything. In this story it could prove to be fatal to say the wrong things.

The next day the Beast was already in LUUUV and Robelle sulked like normal. Because Bowser was so head over heels he sent one of his minions to find out what Belle liked, maybe that way he could earn a place in her icy cold (and manly) heart. His minion had found out that Belle liked books and so he wanted to give her a whole library.

He took Roy blindfolded towards the library of the castle.

"Oh, just to let you know", Robelle said. "I don't like bondage play, strawberries or whipped cream, handcuffs, whips, and so on."

Bowser frowned. Roy had got the whole thing all wrong. He gently took her to the library and took the blindfolding off, revealing the beautiful library to her. Roy watched it for a while before he said:

"Books? Like I'm some freak?"

Bowser shuddered. "It was in the script. Nothing personal."

"I thought you didn't have the script." Roy remarked.

"I use my artistic freedom."

"Riiight." Belle said. "So, we're like in LUUUV now?"

"Yup. You should be all over me for giving you this library." Bowser said.

"It's $250 per hour." Roy answered, looking at his nails. "$270 in your case."

"I didn't know you were into that kind of thing!" Bowser shrieked.

"I'm not. I'm just hinting that it's never going to happen. Stop dreaming."

"Awww." Bowser said with tears in his eyes. "So I'm never going to get that foot massage?"

"Not in a million years."

"Anyway, I have to go now. If you have the time set the place on fire." Roy said as he hurried away to dress up for the evening when he and the Beast would dance.

_Gimme the night fever, night fever, we know how to do it…_

No. HELL no.You have a sick mind.

While she was putting her make-up on and all that, Bowser was taking a shower and trying to make himself look good. No matter how much he tried he still looked like a giant turtle with red hair. Poor thing.

The night came--

_--__Gimme the night fever, night fever, we know how to do it__—_

I ALREADY said no. Anyway, the night came and for some strange reason Roy put up a real princess-dress (You never know with the cross-dressing guys) and Bowser came naked, like usual. Bowser was waiting downstairs as Roy came out of the door at the top of the stairs, looking down at him with a fierce, embarrassed gaze.

Softly he took a step down the stairs, looking beautiful. The golden dress he wore glittered in the candlelight like thousand diamonds on his body. As he took another step, something happened.

He rolled down the stairs with a lot of noise, landing in front of Bowser. There was an awkward silence between the two of them.

"Sure. Laugh." Roy said sourly. "It's not that I couldn't take it after all this humiliation."

Bowser laughed. Robelle got up, looking sourer than ever before. If you don't know how someone can look that sour, gobble up seven lemons and look at yourself in the mirror. That should do it.

Anyway, Bowser took Roy's hand as the mushy music came in and Mrs. Potts started to sing through her sleep:

"_Revised tale of the tale as old as time  
Nowhere near truth is this  
Barely even friends  
Then somebody bends  
Unexpectedly_."

"Agh! My back!" Roy shouted as Bowser tried to bend him.

Mrs. Potts snorted through her sleep. "_Just a little change in my pocket  
Small to say the least!  
They're both scared  
Neither one prepared  
Cross-dresser and a teenage mutant ninja turtles-wannabe_."

"Leonardo IS cool!" Bowser protested, but before he got to say anything more, the storyteller beat him up with a bat.  
Mrs. Potts snorted before continuing:

"_Never just the same  
But a huge surprise  
Nothing like before  
Nothing's really sure  
But the sun will rise_." Mrs. Potts sang through her sleep.

"By the way, Bowels", Roy said as the danced.

"Bowser." Bowser corrected. "What Mrs. Potts said about teenage mutant turtles isn't true."

"Not about that." Robelle answered. "I'm just wondering how you can dance when you can't even run properly."

Bowser smiled. "I've got roller blades."

"That explains it."

"Hey, Roy."

"What?" Roy asked, letting the turtle lead. The hall where they were was lit only with candles and everything was so romantic. On the ceiling were little angels dancing like Bloodhound Gang, singing The Bad Touch. The storyteller was too shocked to even try to do something.

Bowser looked away from him as he said: "Should we kiss?"

"Are you sick?" Belle-wannabe Roy looked at him with a disgusted face.

"But I thought it was in the script." Bowser explained.

"Even if it was I wouldn't."

"Why not?" Bowser asked, a little insulted.

"I don't want SARS." Roy answered calmly.

"_Tale as old as time, I'm repeating what I said earlier_", sang Mrs. Potts.

"_Tune was made in 1994.  
Bittersweet and strange Belle,  
Finding she can't wear trousers,  
Learning she was wrong.  
Certain as me having a Martini after this  
Giving me some weird kicks_." She sang and Lumiére-Link gave her a strange look while he took a little more distance to her.

"_Tale as old as 133t  
Song as old as parsley, sage and thyme  
Weirdo cross-dresser and Bowser-dude.  
Tale as old as whatever  
these people as old as they are  
Roy/Belle and the mutated turtle_." She ended the song, still asleep.

Roy and Bowser walked to the balcony. It was a beautiful starry night. Somewhere in the distance was a large forest fire and they heard the calming screams of the people running away. Suddenly Bowser took a mirror from his pocket and checked that his hair was fine.

"Are you happy here, Roy?"

"You kidding?" Robelle asked, looking at his nails.

"No." Bowser answered, looking sour.

"Oh. Well, it's okay. I mean, when you released my father I told you I'd be happy if you had beer and you have."

"I didn't mean it like that." Bowser hit his forehead with his hand.

Roy looked at him with a puzzled look. "Look, I already told you that it's never going to happen." But he hadn't thought that the storyteller would be there with them and threw a piano on her. When Bowser lifted it, she was more than all over him.

"I love you! I love you! I love you!" Roy repeated, waving a small flag with 'I love Bowser' on it. In his other hand he had a fan with 'Bowser' all over it.

"Is there anything you miss, Belle?" The Beast asked, taking her hand.

"Yeah. I had this tiny bottle of vodka at home--" Roy started but stopped as the storyteller held a piano above his head. "I mean, I miss my daddy so much."

"Here, you can see him from this mirror." Bowser gave him the mirror he had used to check if his fur was looking fine.

Robelle took the mirror and it looked really cool for a while, before it showed her a picture of Aquavitix playing Bingo. She gasped, covering the mirror with a painful look on her face.

"I… I have to help my father!" He looked at Bowser. "He's become addicted to Bingo!"

"Nah, dingoes taste good." Bowser said, rubbing his stomach.

Roy looked at him for a while without bothering to say anything.

"Well, if you want to save the dingoes, go ahead." Bowser said finally.

Robelle jumped for joy as he got up to leave. "Thanks, dude!" Then she ran away to get her stuff and leave once again.

Bowser looked at the beautiful night sky, the thousand stars shining against the dark background with a sad face, tears glittering in his eyes like two oceans. "Oh, what have I done…? Why did I ever become a vegetarian?"

---

There you go!

I'd love to hear your thoughts and if you like this story, read my version of Pocahontas as well! If you like drama and Days of Our Lives, please read the Cerulean Skies as well. Heh. I'm pathetic to advertise myself like this. Well, whatever.

Thanks for reading, I'd love to hear your thoughts!


	5. The Odd Chapter

**THE ODD CHAPTER**

Read: The chapter where no one sings a song included in the movie!

Whoa! I got so many reviews! I'm amazed! Thank you so very much! You all deserve a huge amount of candy for being so nice to me!

Anyway, on to the story. First of all, this story is best viewed with two eyes. Second of all, this is a parody. Third of all this is not a shounen-ai story. Fourth of all… I'm wearing striped socks. -giggles-

Once upon a time in a faraway land, lived—

"Get on with the story, I have to be home by midnight." Roy cut off the storyteller.

"Oh, yes. Otherwise your dress there will turn into rags and your wagon into a pumpkin." Replied the storyteller.

In the end of the last chapter Roy ran off to save his dad from bingo, which is something highly addictive. It has been proved that ingested cardboard can cause nausea and vomiting and also strange behaviour (especially Donald Duck-comics). If someone invented it now it would be forbidden to play it because of the highly addictive nature of the game.

Roy knew these hazards and being a good girl, he ran to the bat mobile in the yard and drove away. As he drove past the pet sematary he heard a yowl as some white creature hit his car, but he was too worried about his father to stop to see what had happened.

He arrived to his father's house very fast, bumping into a few villagers, but they didn't matter. They all needed a little diet anyway. And those who didn't were just poor bastards.

Robelle ran into the house, seeing his father lying on the bed, screaming and holding a large piece of cardboard with squares on it in his hands. Roy took the cardboard quickly away from him, asking what was wrong:

"I can't see, I've become blind!" Aquavitix screamed.

"Open your eyes, dad!" Roy shook him a little.

Aquavitix sat up and hugged his cross-dressing daughter. "Oh, I can see again! It's a miracle!"

"Aren't you happy that I came home?" Belle asked, looking into his father's wildly rolling eyes.

"NO! I mean, YES!" Aquavitix said, smiling. "How did you get away from that horrible beast?"

Robelle felt a little uncomfortable telling his father the reason. "I… uh… you know… he feels attracted to me."

"Oh, how sweet. When's the wedding?"

Roy slapped his father. "I'm a guy for God's sake!"

"Oh, alright. I was never quite sure." Aquavitix's eyes started to flame. "But we have to kill that Beast!"

"Why? He's got good beer." Roy said, wondering.

"He pulled moves on my daughter!"

"I'm your son!" Belle screeched.

"Oh, you just have to split hairs in a situation like this, don't you? Get me breakfast." Aquavitix said, lying down.

Roy brought his father breakfast like a good girl (because good girls become angels!). He put the tray full of food in front of his father. At first Aquavitix tried to put the sandwich (for definition check last chapter) into his ear, but with the gentle touch of a woman's hand he finally found his mouth for it.

"I can't eat! I've become mute!" He screamed after trying to eat.

"You can eat if you're mute, dad." Roy said sourly. "Just open your mouth."

Aquavitix opened his mouth and tucked the sandwich in. "Oh, I can eat again! It's a miracle!"

"…I--", Robelle was cut off by the doorbell. He danced to the door in his frilly blue dress, humming a little on the way. As he opened the door he sighed heavily. "Hi, Gaston. Go away and kill yourself."

"As sweet as ever." Captain Falcon said.

Roy narrowed his eyes. "Why are you here, Gaston?"

"_I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny, that-"_ Gaston didn't get to sing any more when Robelle slapped him.

"I DON'T have a big butt!" She yelled. After that the storyteller threw a piano on Captain Gaston for singing a song that wasn't included in the original version.

"For once we agree on something", Belroy said to the storyteller.

The storyteller dropped a piano on her. Why? Because she doesn't like people agreeing with her.

When Gaston had recovered from the piano, he said: "However, I have a certain someone to meet your dad!"

"Has he got balloons?" Aquavitix asked from the bed.

"No…" Gaston said, raising his eyebrows.

Aquavitix sulked for a while before asking: "What about rum?"

"No, I don't think so…"

"Rooms that are covered in pillows and a shirt with such long sleeves that I can tie them around me?" He was so excited he almost clapped his hands together.

"Yes!" Captain Gaston said happily.

Belle glared at him. "Why are you taking away my dad?"

"Because he's a loon! He spoke to us about some horrible monster, like that were true!" Gaston laughed heartily with Ness. Ness's laughter sounded a little like grunting. Who knows, maybe it was in his genes.

"The beast?" Robelle asked, her eyes wide.

Gaston smiled a pepsodent-smile. "Are you telling me he exists too?"

"Yes! I have proof!" Roy took the magic mirror from his armpit (don't ask how it got there) and said: "Show me that ugly idiot from the castle!"

A picture of Camillia Parker-Bowles appeared. Everyone gasped upon seeing her.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Roy said as he noticed that some of the villagers had had a cardiac arrest. "Show me that dude I danced with last night!"

A picture of Lumiére appeared on the mirror. Roy gasped, covering it quickly with a nervous laugh. "I mean… show me the beast that lives in that castle!"

Finally the picture of the beast appeared on the mirror, he was growling when Mrs. Potts had made vanilla fudge instead of normal fudge. How could she? Everyone gasped and Gaston stole the mirror from her, shouting:

"This beast! We must kill it!"

"No!" Belle protested. _"_I want to do that!"

"It will come to the town in the middle of the night and eat all your candy! It will walk on your carpets with muddy feet! It will wipe its nose in your towels! We can't take that!" Captain Falcon shouted. Ness was still grunting behind him.

"Kill it!" The townsfolk raged.

"No!" Roy protested.

"We weren't asking you, girl." Le Feu said as Gaston carried her and her father into their cellar and blocked the door with a heavy piece of wood.

They could hear how the townsfolk started singing as they went:

"_Links 2, Links 2, Links 2 3 4!_"

The voices faded away quickly, first went the singing, then they heard the tanks roll through the town, then the sound of interceptors flying through the air. Woo!

"We didn't have interceptors when this story happened." Robelle remarked.

The storyteller wasn't pleased with that. After throwing a piano on Roy she showed her how much it hurts to be the target of an interceptor. Oh, the good times…

"We're doomed!" Aquavitix screamed. "DOOOOMED! D0000000M33333D!"

Roy sighed. "And I would've wanted to kill him…"

"Can't you see? We're DOOOOMEEED!" Aquavitix screamed. Or then he sang opera. It's pretty hard to tell the difference.

"Why would we be doomed?" Robelle asked, heaving another heavy sigh.

Aquavitix glared at him. "I can't go to play bingo with my friends!"

Belroy slapped his father. "Don't you know how dangerous that is?"

"There's nothing dangerous in playing bingo!"

"What about the coffee you can win? Hm? And ooh, the other prizes! Grandma panties!"

Aquavitix sighed, dreaming of grandma panties. Roy flinched.

"Bingo is bad for you, believe me." The storyteller said. "Those who play it lose their humanity, trying to find the secret of alchemy… I mean, the correct numbers."

Aquavitix sat down again. "But we're still doomed! We'll starve to death here!"

Just when Robelle was about to lose all hope and strip (for old times' sake) Young Link jumped out of his pocket.

"How on Earth did you fit there?" Roy asked.

Young Link breathed heavily for a while, obviously in deep shock before answering: "I don't want to talk about it."

Roy looked at the script, yawning. "Well, get us out of here then."

"How?"

"Use your… ultrasuperpowers." Belroy said out of the blue.

_And so, using his ultrasuperpowers Young Link fought against_… I mean, he just opened the door. That was because the Powerpuff-girls came to beat up the storyteller on their way to fight against the great Mojo Jojo for stealing their ultrasuperpowers.

After the storyteller had recovered from her delightful meeting with the Powerpuff-girls, she sent the three on their way to the castle, where everyone else was having a HUGE fight… I mean party. No! I mean fight. Yes. Fight.

"_Let's get happy and let's be friends, for tomorrow never ever ends and our world will be all new! Let's get happy and let's be gay _(the storyteller wishes not to comment on that)_, all our troubles they will fade away and the promise I will send you_-"

The storyteller threw a huge piano on all of them, reminding them gently that they were supposed to fight. After that they had a huge gang fight with pans and buns and kettles and pebbles and whatever they found. I think there were even a few pichus flying in the background.

Meanwhile Gas-ton walked to the beast's room past the solemn statues in the corridor, readying his arrow. The room was dark, lit with a few candles. In the middle of the room was a gloomy altar, in front of it a figure wearing a deep red cape. He was holding a sacrficial knife above his head. On the altar laid Peach, screaming as hard as a feather duster could. Which isn't very loud. I mean, have you ever heard a feather duster scream?

"Oh, you have such a bad timing." The beast said as he noticed the driver. He let Peach go, who ran away, screaming all the way. "Wine?"

"I prefer coconuts." Gas-ton shook his head firmly; he didn't want to be under the influence of alcohol while fighting against the most horrible beast of them all.

"It's Gaston, not Gas-ton." He corrected the storyteller as he aimed for the Beast.

"Whatever." Said the beast. "I wanna start rolling on the roof before Belle comes!"

So, together they jumped out of the window, dancing ballet on the roof. The storyteller was kind enough to give them pink suits to dance with. And boy, they danced well! Bowser tried to impress Captain Gaston with a 360, but the driver countered it with a 96. They did 12 at the same time, looking a lot like professionals. The beast then attacked him with 54 but Gaston cut him off with 69.

The storyteller let Strong Bad 404 them both.

Outside it was raining cats and dogs. Roy was riding towards the castle on Phillip, picking up some of the dogs, hoping that his father would let him keep them. He arrived to the castle, seeing the two dancing on the roof in their pink suits. He jumped off Phillip at the last minute before it ran against the wall and exploded (like in a real action movie).

He rolled swiftly back to his feet, seeing Captain Falcon getting ready to cut off the beast's head. His eyes widened in shock and he shouted: "Nooooo! Don't smear the dress!"

And now for something completely different:

You don't have to be an Einstein to figure this story out, but you have to be an Einstein to figure this out:

2mc is E!

HAHAHA!  
Yeah, you really have to be.

**The OddChapter**

Hehe, still one more chapter to go. I'll do my best to make it good and I hope you enjoyed this one. See ya!


	6. Le Grande Finale

**FINAL CHAPTER**

So, hmm… Where were we? Ah, yes. Arthur Dent arrived to the room full of octopuses playing chess. For no obvious reason he wasn't surprised. After all he had seen he just didn't care if they played chess or juggled. Anyone could do that.  
"The storyteller has the wrong story." Young Link said, being her coffee cup. Talk about a nasty job.  
For no obvious reason the storyteller wasn't surprised. After all she had seen she just didn't care if they had the right or the wrong story. Anyone could do that.  
"Wrong story!" The storyteller realized, spitting out all her coffee. For no obvious reason Young Link wasn't surprised. After all he had seen he just didn't care if she drank her coffee or spit it out. Anyone could do that.

This chapter proudly calls itself  
**Le Grande Finale**  
And so everyone shall laugh and have fun  
And have fun and laugh  
because this truly is the final chapter  
and the final chapter is this.  
So in case you're wondering  
This is the final chapter.

Roy had just arrived to the castle when Gaston had been readying his bow to pierce the Beast's heart with an arrow. His scream had given Bowser the strength to fight for his love. Somewhere far, far away Rafiki drew a picture of him with a Mohawk. I bet Simba was jealous.  
The beast dodged the arrow much like Neo dodges the bullets in Matrix and did some really cool moves. I swear I heard his back crunch there… right there, did you hear that? No? You know what that means? Either you're deaf or in a need of a piano. Those things work miracles. Anyway, back to the story. Gaston watched Bowser in agape. Robelle ran towards the castle, screaming like a crazed teenage fangirl. While Gaston was speechless, Bowser grabbed his throat and lifted him in the air.  
"Don't touch my cookies." He said.  
The storyteller tried to find it in the script.  
"I swear I took only one!"  
"Get OUT. No one touches MY COOKIES. Especially the chocolate chip ones!"  
Bowser put Gas-ton down as he heard Belle's soft voice from the balcony behind him:  
"Die, both of you!" She was waving a bat in her hands, trying to reach them. Her hair was beautiful even if it was wet, her delicate features emphasized in the dress that had glued to her skin. The vein on her temple was pulsing sweetly with rage.  
"Belle!" He turned towards her, starting to run to her in the rain. The storyteller was kind enough to put him in slow motion. Just when he was about to reach Robelle's hand, she screamed:  
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" In slow motion.  
Gaston plunged a dagger to Bowser's side, laughing maniacally as required from a villain his degree. He had graduated from the Evil University of Evilness in Eviltown and worked in an evil way in the Ministry of Evil People in the evil interrogations and evil master evil plans with the evil scientists and evil… uh… residents. Evilly. Too bad his degree didn't save him from his impending doom. The storyteller evilly threw an evil piano on him to evilly drop him into his evilly evil doom of evilness.  
"That's not even funny!" Shouted Captain Gaston as he fell down. The storyteller rewarded his most welcome critic with a Coca-Cola truck. That fell down on him. Very evilly.  
Belle's eyes widened as she saw him fall down, followed by the truck. "Oh my god! He's dead! And that truck was full of Coca-Cola! Goddamn corporations!"  
"We are slaves to the giant global corporations, unable to live freely." Bowser put his hand on his chest.  
From somewhere down below they heard: "I'm alive!"  
Bowser took a stone gargoyle and threw it down. There was a quiet squeak and silence.  
"Is he…?" Robelle asked, his blue eyes wide.  
A can was opened in the vast gorge. "I think I can get up soon. Coke can make everything better. There's no need for panic, now."  
Bowser took off another stone gargoyle and threw it down.  
"My leg, AHH! OH MY GOD! MY LEG! It--! It just--! OH MY GOD!"  
After a piano from the storyteller Gaston finally shut up.  
Bowser climbed back to the balcony, where he collapsed into Belroy's arms. "Don't smear my dress." She said sourly.  
"Vanish solves all of your problems!" Chip advertised, smiling that chipped smile of his until a piano swept him away.  
"Oh, sorry. It just won't stop. You know, when you get older you start leaking like this." Bowser answered. "It's even worse when you have to wear diapers, you know my late uncle had to we--"  
Belroy hit him with a bat and he went unconscious. The storyteller frowned upon that, readying a piano in case they wouldn't get on with the story.  
Bowser stopped breathing (because Belroy sat on his face to be sure). After a while of persuasion Belroy started crying.  
"Get on with it", Bowser wheezed. "I can't take this much longer."  
"Oh damnit!" Robelle cried. "I so loved him, like, totally."  
"Awesome", Bowser wheezed, showing thumbs up.  
Marth appeared. "I think it's unfair that I didn't have a bigger part."  
The storyteller sweeped him into a closet for showing up too early.  
"A RAPE! THIS IS A RAPE!" Zelda screamed. The storyteller threw her down with Gaston to get on with it. The poor thing forgot to take Marth out in case she needed him later. And she would… oh, she would.  
Robelle then lifted Bowser up and beams of laser started coming out of his hands and feet. Just when Robelle was about to be crushed by his weight the storyteller lifted him up in the air. More beams of laser started shining out of him and raining from the sky.  
"Damnit, my Darth Vader-suit is never with me when I'd need it." Belroy said as he watched the fireworks and special effects.  
Bowser fell down from the sky, covered with a blanket (well, we all know there's a limit to nudity in these movies). Marth hit his head when he fell down and got up to dance Yatta! No one knows where he got the leaf to cover his private parts but everyone was quite happy with that. Also, another mystery is how the storyteller managed to get him out of Zelda and to the sky. The answer to that could change your view of the world forever.  
Belle, however, was delighted to see that her/his beloved wasn't a hideous monster from the sewers of New York but a fairly normal man with blue hair (but we all know the effects of radioactivity in these movies). They embraced in a very awkward way as the whole castle around them changed, everyone turned back into humans. Luigi looked no longer like a clock, he grew a funny mustache and sprouted a hat, Link turned back into an elf with one ear on fire, noticing his dear friend fluttering in from the window now so bright.  
"NAVI! OH MY SWEET NAVI!" He shouted in rapture.  
"That's not Navi!" Commented Young Link. "It can't even speak!"  
Link gave him a quick glance before trotting away: "All the better! Naviii!"  
So the spell of the old bi0tch was broken, Peach kept on dusting the floors with her dress, Young Link wiped everyone's face with his hair, Link's grandma slept, Captain Falcon in the gorge opened another can of Coca-Cola, the villagers got wasted, Samus killed a random by-stander (also known as the Storyteller) and everyone was happy.  
The wedding of Marth and Robelle was a beautiful occasion. Everyone had gathered into the castle to dance and wish the couple a happy marriage. Even the storyteller was resurrected for the occasion, only to be annihilated later.  
And so they lived happily ever after. Well, fine. The truth is, they were always in the tabloids. Many questioned Robelle's gender, Marth's strange habits of eating bugs, Luigi's ticking moustache and Link's grandma's cooking, but generally everyone just forgot about them and they lived alone in the castle for many years, just dancing and getting wasted. No one knew when Captain Falcon would run out of Coca-Cola, but no one really cared.  
And now, my dearest readers, those who still haven't committed suicide because of the overflowing idiocy of this story, I congratulate you. And those who burned their eyes with acid to stop themselves from reading this, I will find you! I will hunt you down and make you listen to "Toxic!" So beware! Surprisingly so far the story has gained only one flame, unlEss EverYbOdy's REally sendIng me theSe suBLmInal meSsageS.  
Could you wait a second? The voices in my head have something to say to me.  
No, I'm not going to pull the monkey out of the president's ass!  
Oh, this thing is still on? Heh, uh… who said that?  
However, now that the story has arrived to its end I must thank you for bearing it and those who have reviewed, your reviews mean a lot to me! Thank you very much! If you're up for another ride of crazy Disney-bashing, jump to Pocahontas through my profile and have a jolly good time, my good fellows!  
---  
The producer would like to thank everyone for reading and reviewing this as well as make a few announcements. The trees featured in this film weren't harmed during filming. However, the cast still remains in E.R. The storyteller was put to jail shortly after finishing it, but surprisingly she escaped with the help of her personal assistants, pianos and a banjo-playing squirrel.


End file.
